21st March 2014.
My Mother is probably the most pragmatic and rational woman you could meet. Approach her with a problem and within half an hour she will have the solution for you, even if it is the one you don’t want to hear. I am her second son, and am the most disorganised and impatient person on the planet when it comes to my life in general. I am probably what you would call dangerously spontaneous. I take giant leaps and try my best not to look back, it is probably both the greatest trait anyone could have yet it is also my greatest flaw. For the purpose of setting the tone, I will give you a brief and not so interesting history of my life, and how I have had to learn to control my impulses in order to get anything done. I have never been able to hold long term goals down for longer than a few months. In my time at school I wanted to be a psychologist, a pathologist, a home economics teacher, a lab assistant, a geneticist, and at one point I even wanted to build coffins, because as a deeply logical 15 year old boy I knew that someday everyone has to die. There is probably something very poignant and pragmatic in that thought, but naturally the topic for a more academically seasoned blog.
Rather excitingly I became a Philosophy and Psychology student. I was just after turning 18 and I had got my first and what would be long term boyfriend. He was really great, and I had a job working in a new retail outlet in the city where there was so much opportunity to meet people! It was a very exciting time. I made so many new friends. University felt so easy. I had it all!
It became all the more clear why college felt so easy to someone like me. When I was in second year I decided to in all but paper drop out in place of doing events management. I didn’t go because I didn’t feel like University challenged me any more. It felt too easy. Later that year in the summer of 2011 I decided to do my exams after all, and catch up on the assignments. I did it all in four weeks, I wrote 19,000 words and studied for ten exams while also working in retail and that, for me, was an achievement…because I passed with a 2.1 and sailed into 3rd year. Having finished my 3rd year exams with a terrible bout of tonsillitis during all of them I moved to London in July 2012 – on nothing but a credit card and a dream of becoming an event manager soon after my 21st birthday – it was like the beginning of some amazing rise to celebrity “Irish guy moves to London on nothing but credit and a chance of success” – Funny huh? At the time I felt pretty shit about myself and I thought that changing my surroundings was what I needed. The reality was that I was escaping. I was just out of an almost 3 year relationship that April (yup right before my final year exams too, pretty shite huh?) and to be quite honest I was beyond devastated. I didnt think anything could compare to that feeling, but that was a long time ago and I’m not going to talk about that. Simply put, it just wasn’t meant to be – but I felt abandoned. I had a great time in London, I met some amazing people, and still keep friends from my time there. I had no inhibitions over there. It was perfect for someone like me who needed to let loose, and with the amount I was being paid I could do whatever I wanted. I never checked my bank balance, I just partied and did things that I shouldn’t write about on a personal blog but G-A-Y was my favourite place of all…especially on Porn Idol night, because you got to see a lot of penis. And I thoroughly enjoyed that.
Of course the move changed nothing on the inside, I was home 4 month later having gone through two more men plus countless others on the side – I guess I was kind of broken, you know? I took some time off and was working on my own events in Cork – I made some money, but not much. I came home from London with quite a lot in the bank, enough to support myself on a life of luxury for 6 months. My life looked like it was going pretty well, but I was still running from my past experiences instead of dealing with them and I became quite unhappy. Not really knowing what I was doing with myself, I was so sure that I wanted to do Event Management for the rest of my life. So sure. But there was also doubts. A lot of them, that nagged away at me more and more.
It’s now the latter half of March 2014 and I am writing this post from my desk at a software company. I am a sales monkey. Nothing but a number to those above me and the only thing that kept me going this past year of working here has been the knowledge that I can amount to far more than just selling loads of software. My job requires me to be aggressive, to be assertive, and to be able to create a sense of urgency – all of which I am not. They did try to change me but it didn’t work, I chose to let my personality play in the workplace and I am known as someone who customers like talking to over the phone. I am that nice guy you talk about when you get home from a store thinking “wow he was so nice” – that is me. People mistake this niceness for weakness – I however see it as a strength, who do you know would talk to a person who is a complete idiot for more than a half hour and still have a smile on their face? Most don’t have the patience.
I’ve worked as a barista, a sales assistant, event manager, online content manager, a biology tutor and now, an inside sales rep. Most of this was while at college, I was solely a barista while at school mind you. Now I’m out of college two years and I felt like I needed to change something or at least set those wheels in motion. Just over a year ago today I had that epiphany while on holidays with my parents – it was January 2013.
I was tired of being made fun of, or people thinking I was stupid…when the reality of it all is that I am probably more intelligent that most. My Mom says I am too intelligent, and that that’s what’s wrong with me. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she just has notions of me. I am of the belief that pretty much 80% of people are doing what they have to do in life. For whatever reason, they carry on doing the day to day slog because just like that, they feel like that have to do it. In January 2013 I made a decision to do what I want to do, rather than what I have to. Because what you have to do is where that little trap is, the mortgage trap, a child trap, bill trap or even a loan trap. When you say to yourself in the morning, I must get up because I have to, things cant be going very well. I decided that I am going to carry on studying whether it was a masters or an undergraduate. I wanted to set things in motion so that one day, everyday, I will say to myself “I must get up, because there are things I want to do today,”
I wanted to write a blog of intermittent stories of how I managed to get where I am right now. At the time of writing this, next month I am going to leave my job at the software company and go work in something more creative while starting an MPhil degree in Philosophy.
I hope to post weekly – so do follow.
Bye for now.
Next week – All Is Fair In Love And Grindr